Another guy about my age and I are standing in the dairy section reading labels on yogurt containers. We look at each other but don鈥檛 say a word, just share a glance that says, 鈥楽o, it鈥檚 come to this.鈥� It seems my stomach is under new management and the bouncer at the door is no longer letting in any spicy or greasy patrons.
The labels all read the same, so I go with price. Some are two for $6, so I choose a peach and a blueberry. I pick up some soup, rice, and bananas, then wander through the meat aisle just for old time鈥檚 sake. Ground round is on special and before my eyes the raw meat turns to thick, juicy patties on the grill. I can feel the grease trickling down my chin.
At the checkout, the girl rings up one container as $3 and the other at $4.75. It seems I have selected two different brands. I think about taking one back but the lady behind me has a crying baby in her cart and her look says, 鈥榊ou鈥檙e not going to make me wait any longer, are you?鈥� As a meat eater, I would have not been so easily intimidated, but today I smile and pay the extra.
To get home from the Brookswood grocery store, I must drive through a gauntlet of fast food places 鈥� McDonalds, Subway, Thai food, Chinese food, donairs, Dominos, Cravings and Starbucks. They call like sirens to ancient mariners trying to lure me on to the rocky shore.
As I pass the 7-Eleven, I think of those jumbo hot dogs slathered in relish, mustard, onions and peppers. But even in disguise and with phony ID, none of these will make it past the new bouncer.
Of course, my Mom says I just need a 鈥榞ood clearing out.鈥� Take some castor oil and stay regular. That is a mom鈥檚 answer to everything.
You can phone and tell her you broke your leg in two places and she will say, 鈥淲ell, you鈥檙e going to be sitting around a lot, so stay regular.鈥� Or you can tell her you鈥檝e had a quadruple bypass and are taking four medications, she will say, 鈥淭hose things can really bung you up, stay regular.鈥�
I heard about an 80-year-old man who bragged about 鈥榖eing regular鈥� at seven every morning. His problem was he didn鈥檛 wake up until eight.
I open the blueberry yogurt and it looks like paint. I swear I could pour it into a tray and roll it on my walls. I slice up a banana and spoon some yogurt on top. The container says it contains actual blueberries but this must have been the last container filled that day, because there are none evident.
It tastes like paste. I think about that kid in Grade 4 and how pleased he would have been if LePages had put blueberry flavour in his white paste jar. I conjure up an image of little guys in coveralls and white painter hats applying this gloop to my stomach walls with long-handled rollers under the approving gaze of the bouncer.
They have their work cut out. They are trying to repair years of neglect and abuse.
But as we get older we learn that it is not important to be a wealthy and important man, it鈥檚 better to be a healthy and regular guy. At least that鈥檚 what McGregor says.
