Alice Fox鈥檚 keys often sit on the bookshelf in the entranceway of her Cloverdale apartment. But she鈥檚 lucky if she remembers them.
鈥淚 now have to hip check my door every day because I can鈥檛 take the keys,鈥 she said.
As an RCMP officer, breaking and entering her own home isn鈥檛 physically taxing. But for someone who used to be able to remember impaired drivers she charged from two years before, it鈥檚 鈥渁 weird adjustment.鈥
A faulty memory, night sweats, hyper vigilance: all these are symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that Fox began facing after she went on a leave of absence from the RCMP in 2013. After dealing with alleged harassment from her supervisor in the Greater Vancouver Integrated Road Safety Unit, Fox faced struggles with the RCMP鈥檚 internal complaint process.
Fox said these issues exacerbated her existing PTSD 鈥 a claim she is making in her current lawsuit against her supervisor and the RCMP.
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For the first two years she was off work, however, Fox didn鈥檛 know she had PTSD.
鈥淚 was in what I would call a PTSD coma; I was in so much shock,鈥 she said.
She would wake up covered in sweat 鈥 perimenopause, she thought at the time. Her arthritis started getting worse, something she now attributes to PTSD. Once, she leapt out of bed in the middle of the night, convinced there was someone in the room. She would stay up until three or four in the morning, calling anyone who could help solve her problems with the RCMP.
Fox鈥檚 struggle also put a strain on her relationship with her common-law partner.
鈥淚 couldn鈥檛 understand, I couldn鈥檛 stop ruminating,鈥 Fox said. 鈥淎nd she couldn鈥檛 understand why I kept going over鈥 it.
鈥淚t ruined her life as well as mine,鈥 Fox said. 鈥淚 mean, we had plans. Good plans.鈥
鈥淪he couldn鈥檛 handle it,鈥 Fox continued. 鈥淪he literally said, 鈥業 can鈥檛 hear you talk about this anymore.鈥 But how can I stop talking about something that鈥檚 affecting my life, my livelihood and my future?鈥
When it ended, 鈥渋t was sad. It was terrible for me,鈥 Fox said. 鈥淏ecause here鈥檚 someone that I trust fully 鈥 the best thing that ever happened to me. And it鈥檚 gone and my job鈥檚 gone.
鈥淚 have never been so low.鈥
鈥楳y life started to spiral鈥
Fox thinks the relationship ended in 2015, but she can鈥檛 remember. If it did, her relationship would have ended the same year she ran a marathon a week, and may have contributed to her decision to go to RCMP-mandated treatment for alcohol abuse.
According to psychologist and former RCMP member , alcohol use is often coupled with PTSD. Morley runs a website on PTSD and sees many first responders, including Fox, come into his private practice for trauma-related issues.
Emotional numbing is a common symptom of PTSD, Morley said, and 鈥渢he easiest way to do that is alcohol.鈥
鈥淚t could be other dugs, or even exercising to excess,鈥 he continue. 鈥淏ut I think in the police culture 鈥 alcohol is far more common.鈥
Fox said she did not have an alcohol problem when she was on leave from the RCMP. The RCMP did not seem to agree. In April 2015, the RCMP sent Fox an email requesting that she get an independent assessment from an addiction specialist to see if she had an alcohol abuse problem that required treatment.
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The email specifically cited an incident in October 2014, when Fox approached a man attempting to jump off the roof of a residence while drunk and was asked to leave by a member of the New Westminster police. That night, Fox claimed, she had three beers and several hard shots which, combined with medication she was taking, made her more intoxicated than expected.
The email also said that Fox鈥檚 psychologist had raised the issue of her drinking with the RCMP in April 2014.
Fox claims the RCMP called her on Christmas Eve to tell her she had to go to addiction treatment. Her immediate response was to back away.
鈥淚 bucked it. I thought they were crazy,鈥 she said.
But then 鈥渕y life started to spiral, you know,鈥 she continued. 鈥淚 didn鈥檛 understand what the hell was happening to me, and I was becoming despondent. I heard they had PTSD treatment and I鈥檓 like 鈥 鈥楯ust do it. Go through the motions. We don鈥檛 agree with everything they鈥檙e saying.鈥
But I did it. And I鈥檓 glad. Because, you know what, it was a gift.鈥
Fox went through treatment for addiction and PTSD at , the Toronto in-patient centre that鈥檚 part of the . The experience, she said 鈥渨as the biggest blessing of my life.鈥
鈥淲hen you learn about your illness, then you have power over it. When you don鈥檛 know what鈥檚 happening to you, you can鈥檛 self regulate.鈥
Learning about the disorder has helped Fox manage some of the symptoms of her PTSD, and a subsequent program with was 鈥渢he icing on the cake.鈥
RCMP Const. Sarah Brown, who went through the Veterans鈥 Affairs program with Fox, said it helped Fox calm down.
鈥淗er anxiety I think is very similar to mine in the sense that you just get so worked up that you get this ball,鈥 Brown held her hands up to her clavicle, 鈥渒ind of right here in your chest. And it just didn鈥檛 seem to build up as much.鈥
Fox鈥檚 PTSD 鈥榥ot all that unique鈥
In many ways, Fox鈥檚 experience is a textbook example of post-traumatic stress disorder.
It started with what Morley calls primary and secondary trauma. Primary trauma are 鈥渢hose moments when we鈥檙e the ones in harm鈥檚 way,鈥 Morley said. Secondary trauma is the 鈥渆xperience of confronting unfixable suffering,鈥 like when Fox witnessed her partner get injured in the line of duty
Fox鈥檚 鈥渆xperience as a police officer was probably not all that unique, meaning a lot of people go through that sort of stuff on the street,鈥 Morley said. 鈥淏ut I think Alice for sure, her situation was definitely complicated by how it was handled.鈥
This is what Morely calls organizational stress, the added pressure of institutional processes, harassment or internal investigations.
Although it can be caused by a single incident, PTSD is more often a cumulative disorder with many incidents adding together to warrant a clinical diagnosis. This makes RCMP members and other first responders far more likely to have PTSD: although no comprehensive studies have been done on PTSD rates in the RCMP, Morley believes it is 鈥渕ore than double the general population.鈥 Depending on the study, the general population has a PTSD rate of 5 to 7 per cent.
A clinical diagnosis of PTSD features four main symptoms: emotional numbing, avoidance, hyper vigilance and intrusive recollections. Different people experience PTSD in different ways; for Fox, it鈥檚 largely hyper vigilance, the need to be constantly aware. 鈥淚鈥檓 stuck in the overdrive,鈥 she said.
Because people experience PTSD in different ways, their treatment has to represent their individual experiences.
鈥淭here鈥檚 no one cure for PTSD,鈥 Morley said. 鈥淪ometimes it鈥檚 about finding what fits for that person at that time.鈥
For Fox, the treatment program at Bellwood was a huge step forward in learning to deal with her PTSD symptoms. But she also finds help in breathing techniques, and spending time with her five animals.
鈥淵ou know what she does?鈥 Fox said about her wolf-husky pup Aspen. 鈥淪he lays on me when I鈥檓 really sad. She鈥檒l get on me and lick me all over 鈥 she鈥檚 the only thing that gets me out of the house, Jasper and her and Homer.鈥
Medication is also a common tool to help people deal with PTSD symptoms. In general, Morley said, people take common antidepressants, as well as anti-anxiety medication to help them deal with the adrenaline response they get when triggered.
They also often take sleep medication. 鈥淥ne of the hardest PTSD symptoms to treat is insomnia,鈥 Morley said.
One of Fox鈥檚 medications was Prazosin, a medication that reduces high blood pressure by blocking the neurotransmitters that create a stress response. It can also be used to help PTSD patients deal with their persistent nightmares.
Fox used to have nightmares about facing the RCMP in court.
鈥淚 was actually in the nightmare,鈥 she said about her experience after she began taking Prazosin, 鈥渁nd I鈥檓 like 鈥榊ou know what guys, I don鈥檛 get why you鈥檙e not getting this. And that鈥檚 okay. I鈥檓 just going to leave until you 鈥 figure this out.鈥
鈥淎nd that was the last night of that nightmare.鈥
Fox鈥檚 PTSD isn鈥檛 cured but, Morley said, it could be.
鈥淚 don鈥檛 think anything鈥檚 going to erase our memories,鈥 he said. 鈥淏ut it鈥檚 important that PTSD can be managed; it can be treated. It鈥檚 not easy. It鈥檚 a complicated situation to treat. But it is possible.鈥
This is the third in a series of articles on Alice Fox鈥檚 journey through the RCMP and her struggle with PTSD.
UPDATE: According to a document from Bellwood Health Services received by Alice Fox in July 2017, Fox did not have an alcohol use disorder.
