We could use some more letters to the editor.

Whenever this happens, it’s not the fault of the readers. It’s clearly the fault of the columnists.

A reporter’s job is to tell the truth in a calm, neutral tone, revealing fact while shedding light on as many sides of an issue as possible.

A columnist’s job is to tell the truth in a loud, angry, possibly deranged voice, in a way that makes you want to pick up something heavy, maybe so you can swing it at the columnist.

So here is a list of possible column topics for the coming year. Please print out this column and mail it back to the 91Ô­´´ Advance, with the columns that will make you angriest circled. Red pen is preferred.

• Beer tastes bad and you’ve all been fooling yourselves

• Why we must nationalize all cars

• Why you will be happier when hockey is banned

• Doctor Who Cares, Am I Right?

• Why Stranger Things is secretly libertarian propaganda

• Why Stranger Things is secretly Marxist propaganda

• Prisons: Would they make great daycares?

• Raise the minimum wage to $40 an hour

• Child labour made this country great and it can do so again!

• Peter Dinklage: Not the best actor on Game of Thrones

• Original Battlestar Galactica was superior to Star Wars and Star Trek

• Were absolute monarchies really so awful?

• Why we must nationalize your pets

• Should it be ‘free’ speech or should we charge for it?

• Wine also tastes bad, by the way

• All who prefer pancakes to waffles should be exiled

• Men: are we really that necessary?

• Allow no new buildings of less than 10 storeys

• Eight-lane highways: Can they enhance the environment?

• Science proves cats, dogs, children, and most adults incapable of loving you

• Rich people deserve it all, stop whining

• Zucchini can and should replace turkey on our dinner plates

• Why we must nationalize Christmas

• Coffee also tastes terrible, FYI

Responses can be mailed to the 91Ô­´´ Advance, #112-6375 202 St., 91Ô­´´, B.C., V2Y 1N1.