I know how to fix the internet.
Well, one part of it. It is one of the worst parts, however, and I think my new device and app will go a long way towards making this a better, happier planet.
It鈥檚 quiet simple. We鈥檒l require a special device be added to all new computers and phones.
If anyone comments on an article, video, or even a webcomic without reading or watching it through to the end, they get a massive and painful electric shock.
That鈥檚 it.
I know, the genius lies in its simplicity.
How many times have you read an article that you found interesting or profound 鈥� that informed you or gave you a new perspective on the world? And then you flip to the comments. Somehow, the worst two dozen humans on the planet have got there before you, keyboards clenched in their grotty fingers.
If it鈥檚 about politics, even the headline will have been enough to provoke partisan fights. Now, I have firm opinions on most issues. But I also feel that it鈥檚 difficult to change people鈥檚 minds by shrieking at them at FULL VOLUME, ALL CAPS!
If the article is about a mass shooting, there鈥檚 sure to be one Alex Jones-affiliated nitwit claiming that the victims and their families are all paid actors.
Climate change? The usual ranks of deniers. New fossil discoveries? Folks screaming about how Charles Darwin was a pedophile.
Sure, those are controversial topics. But there is literally nothing that internet commenters will not try to ruin. Movie trailers, sports, book reviews, jokes, science. Nothing is truly safe.
Now, my invention won鈥檛 get rid of every negative comment. But I believe most of the worst trolls on the internet are also spectacularly lazy.
They couldn鈥檛 possibly leave so many comments, sliming their way across so many sites, if they actually read the articles, could they? In fact, many of the worst comments are obviously not left by people who read the article, or who have a firm grasp on reading, period.
So this will make comment sections somewhat more civilized. It will reclaim a little space for those with patience and the ability to craft a full sentence, to agree or disagree with some level of decorum. We鈥檒l still get jerks, but we鈥檒l know they had to actually read the whole thing.
And we鈥檒l also be able to laugh when we see the comments that are cut off after three or four letters, knowing that some troll was just self-tasered.
Is there another way? Well, one Norwegian news outlet, NRK, started requiring its readers answer simple multiple choice questions about the article鈥檚 contents before commenting. It does have the same benefits of my Zap-O-Matic plan, I suppose.
But it鈥檚 not quite as fun.
