Dear Americans,
Whether you think incoming president Donald Trump's rhetoric absorbing Canada as the "51st state" would be laudable or deplorable, you almost certainly don't realize how much of a pain acquiring our country would be.
Picture a pine cone, the biggest one you've ever seen, the gnarly kind they sell at craft stores for Christmas wreaths.
Imagine swallowing that cone whole. Pointy end first.
Even assuming there would be no armed revolt or riots, that's what it would be like for America to try to annex Canada.
First off, you can expect a flood of Francophones demanding service in French at courthouses, post offices, and other federal outposts across the entire country. Including (especially?) in Florida. Having absorbed Quebec and New Brunswick, America will have to decide if it's going to make French an official language, on par with English.
If you plan to fight this, you'll soon become familiar with the unique style of Quebecois profanity.
Speaking of Quebec, there is no way all of Canada will settle for being a mere 51st state. You know nothing about us if you think that Albertans will be happy to be lumped in with Quebecers, Newoundlanders with Ontarians. Heck, Prince Edward Island (which has slightly more people than Shreveport, Louisiana) will settle for nothing less than separate statehood. So you're going to have to negotiate between 10 and 13 separate new states entering your union.
The flag is going to get crowded with stars. (We'll also petition to add maple leaves.)
Then we have to consider Canada's Indigenous peoples. Canada has 70 treaties, signed between 1701 and 1923, with 364 separate First Nations. That doesn't include the 65 First Nations that are involved in the modern treaty process, or aboriginal rights and titles separate from the treaties, including those of M茅tis and Inuit peoples.
Will the U.S. uphold all those hard-won rights, or tear up the treaties and start from scratch? Will it continue on the agonizingly slow process of reconciliation for the wrongs of colonialism and residential schools? What's the American plan for this, exactly?
American pundits have also assumed that Canadians will naturally slot into their party system, voting for Democrats and Republicans.
No.
The first sitting of your congress after annexation is going to witness the arrival of Liberal, Conservative, NDP, and Bloc Quebecois representatives and senators.
If we liked your political parties, we'd have started them already. Just two choices on a ballot? No thanks, we're a real country.
This is to say nothing of the vicious, passive-aggressive, stubborn (yet strangely polite) battles you'd face over the fate of single payer health care, supply management, stumpage, CPP and OAS, $10 a day childcare, and a hundred other programs.
Right now, we're the annoying neighbour who mows his lawn in a way you don't like. What will we be like when we're inside your house?
You may not take the idea of annexing Canada seriously. Many of us on this side of the border also find it highly unlikely.
But trust me, you should get your new leader to quiet down.
Try to swallow Canada? You'll choke on what you don't understand.
